So most people deal with it fairly well. Others not so well. I am in the middle. However, I only need water and nature as my medicine.
Those moments when the darkness closes in and you feel like you are suffocating. Well I have just had a low point. I feel like I am trying to climb back up but each time I feel like the walls are no longer craggy rocks that I can grip but are smoothing themselves out.
It is all about taking on too much it too short a timeframe for me. It is a bad habit. I cut all my hair off (for a good reason and I don’t regret it) but I feel naked without it. It had become my mask, my helmet and my shield and I had forgotten how much I relied on it and how much I hid behind it. I feel like I am in the middle of a battlefield vulnerable, naked and lost without my armour or weapons.
It will take some adjusting and it will take time for me to learn that I don’t need that helmet or that shield to fight my battles. Nor do I need to hide behind an invisible mask. I just need to stop, reflect, reset and stop trying to fix the entire world at once.
This journey is certainly harder than I first expected but that is only because I had set myself up with a mammoth task and did not take into account my incessant need to critically analyse and reflect on everything I read. That alone takes time and thought and I had not scheduled that part into my journey.
I have started to dream again… Yes everybody dreams, but it has been years since I was able to go to bed, ask a question of the universe and then dream the answer. It is what this journey is all about. To find my inner witch so to speak. It will take time, reflection, patience and as always trial and error.
I had a particularly bad day last week, I wanted to hid under a rock that was to heavy for me to hold… I was falling, feeling overwhelmed with life. So I went to my dear friend’s house. She is a dragon fae’riy, to me anyway, whether you believe or not. That is how I see her energy: fierce, warm, light, fun and protective. I needed grounding, to get my feet into the earth, to reset.
What better way to reset than to take a walk to the beach in the rain…
I love the rain. I love the look of it, the smell of it, the feel of it and I am respectful of its power to destroy and to bring new life.
That day was exactly the reset I needed. I collected a jar of sand, I found part of a skull that I took home with me.
I also took some photos of the sand that was so reflective, it sparkled and was a delightful silver and it made me think of mermaid scales. Of the remnants of the magic that washed off the mermaid scales, just as our dry, dead skin cells fall of us.
We sat and watched the soft rain surround us, the island in the distance swallowed up by the mist. I am kicking myself for missing the opportunity to capture that and capturing a photo of a section of rocks on the right. One of the rocks looked like a boar or a horse trying to climb out of the water. Instead I just enjoyed the nature around me, the feeling of calm and the feeling of safety.
At least I have now started to find areas that I do not wish to spend too much time on. I am learning to slow down and that it is okay to take my time. I don’t need to give myself a time limit on learning about life. After all, it is my journey and I am really just letting the universe, my ancestors and the Gods guide me. So I am going to try to let them guide me while learning to do it patiently…