Do you censor yourself?

Do you write the absolute truth or do you share some watered down censored version of the truth? Is it due to your own self-consciousness or is it because you know who is in the audience?

I have started many blogs in the past, anonymous ones and ones were I knew the audience. Where do you find a balance? I miss writing anonymously, it felt freeing but then I also hated the anonymity of it. Not being able to have conversations about what you post, write. Not being able to share feelings that get brought up in some real raw writing.

I have secrets that just can’t be released and secrets I want to tell but should consider my audience before doing so. I hate doing it to myself. Sometimes it is that hesitation, that self censorship that buts me in funks of not writing.

I see it in others writings too, the hesitation, the control. That sentence that is missing words, emotions and thoughts. Is it intentional or subconscious? Why is it so hard to tell some secrets that you know will help heal you? Because in doing so you know it could potentially harm someone close to you. Well that is my reasoning anyway. I have close friends and acquaintances that know more about me than most of my family. On the other hand I have family that has spent years hiding secrets that has caused more harm than good.

Maybe it is time for me to start another anonymous blog, for myself, not for you. Somewhere I can be completely uncensored but I will be anonymous to those that do not know my story. Many writers use a nom deplume so why should this be any different?

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Heathenry: it’s just one big hug really

You know that feeling, as a child, when you have been away at your granparents house or someone elses house for an extended holiday, and that moment, feeling, smell, when you step back into your home?

That warm, safe feeling when your mum or dad wraps their arms around you and give you that strong, safe hug.  The type of hug that makes you feel like nothing in the world could hurt you?

(Don’t worry, because I never actually experienced that as a child myslef, but I did read about it.)

Well it is that feeling, the feeling I got when I first stepped my foot into Heathenry.

No matter how many Pagan hats, shooes, dresses etc I tried on, none of them seemed to fit right.  It wasn’t until I found Asatru/Norse Reconstructionism that I had a sense of home.  That feeling of ‘this is where I belong’.

If you don’t feel like that in your current path, keep searching becasue you are not where you belong.

Don’t get me wrong, I love all the Pagan religions, from Buddhism and Celtic Druidry through to Wicca.  They all have their good points and their not so good points.  If it wasn’t for those other Pagan paths, I may never have found my home… Well I probably would have, but it probably would have taken me a lot longer.

You see I didn’t have the most loving childhood, or pleasant for that matter (another story for another time).  I spent most of it fighting monsters.  When I was about 10 years old (or maybe 9) I had this dream, a dream I could and will never forget.  Now some will call me crazy, but that’s ok, crazy is better than some of the names I have been called in my life.

This dream, there was a man, a big strong man, he was blonde, blue eyed… Just like I was as a kid.  I felt safe, not scared, he was kind, well he gave off that energy.  He said “I am Thor.  You have strength child, but if you ever doubt yourself, think of me and I will lend you some of mine.  You are a survivor.  Search for me.  Come and find me” and then he was gone.

Now I was a 10 year old, living in rural Australia, I had no idea who this Thor was, I didn’t know about Marvel comics or even Pagansim at that age.  I grew up in an agnostic household.  Religion was never spoken about, I never went to church, I attended a coupl of Religious Educaton classes in school but only ever walked out with more quesntions and confusion because the babble they talked about was just that too me, babble.

So who was this kind man?  I know Thor is a big Red-headed, red-bearded hulk of a man, but I have talked to a few people and some have seen him with blonde hair, others with darker hair.  Maybe the Gods come to us in an image that is safe and familiar to us.

It took me a long time to embrace anything other than pain and misery.  I battled monsters and demons as a child and teenager.  There was no internet, social media, no yahoo threads.  Just me and my oun heart, mind & soul.

Fast forward to the 90s and the decade of Wicca.  Everyone (or girl at least) wanted to at the very least dip their toes into Wicca.  I tried really hard but just couldn’t get my feet to fit the Wiccan shoes.  I used to say I was a Lazy Pagan because I couldn’t be bothered with the tiresome amounts of ritual and initiation that was involved.  It was just like Sunday School… Too many rules, too many ‘have to do it this way’, just too many, too much, and not the right fit… But I did like Paganism.

I had always loved the histories, the Greek mythos, Egyption mythos etc.  I even chose Ancient History as an elective for my final years in high school… Unfortunately only 3 of us wanted too, the rest chose Modern History… But I still enjoyed it… It was history after all.

I found Greek mythos easy to navigate.  I could easily identify with some of the traits of the Gods & Goddesses.  Even though Thor didn’t fit in with the Greek Myths, he was still a part of my deity list.  In 1993, I even got my first tattoo of a Pegasus, and I still don’t regret getting it because it is a part of my journey.

It wasn’t until about 2008 that I really embraced what the internet could offer as far as information goes.  It is then that I had a glimpse of the Norse Mythos… But then my world came crashing down as my family fell apart.

By the time 2010 rolled around I was an out & open Pagan, with my little toes still in the Wiccan waters and needing a place to call home.  I started looking into the Norse Mythos thinking that I still had to be Wiccan to be a part of any ‘Mythos’.  I found my gods & Goddesses but still hadn’t found my home.  By 2011, I had resigned myself to being a lazy Pagan that believed in the Norse Gods and some of the Greek ones too.

Then in 2012 again my world was torn apart by yet another family tragedy, this one was so horrible that it was literally hanging on by a few threads.  For the first time I needed that strength that Thor had offered me all those years ago.  I was tearing at the seams, and the ground was falling out from under my feet.  Within 4 months my family had suffered a traumatic event and a 1400km relocation, to a place where we had some family but knew no-one.

My whole perspective of life had changed in those 4 months. I knew there was more to life than the bubble I had been living in.  I needed a home I couldn’t find, I needed Gods I couldn’t find, I needed something that I just couldn’t find.

Then it happened…

I opened up Facebook one morning and there it was… Asatru… It was like Thor was standing there with his arms open waiting to greet me with a huge hug.  That hug that I spoke about earlier, the one that made you feel safe, secure, warm, made you feel like you were finally home.

And so began my path, I had walked through the doors of a world that had been there the whole time, I just couldn’t see it until then.  The more I read about Asatru, the more I realised that I had always lived there, my morals were the same, my personal ‘code’ was the same, my philosphies were the same.  It was all the same, there in front of me the whole time.  I was home.

It has been 7 years since I found Asgard, and nearly 5 since I realised I had been living on Midgard my entire life. It has been nearly 5 years since Thor lead me to the Hammer that I wear around my neck 99% of the time.  It has been nearly 5 years of navigating my place within the Heathen community and nearly 5 years since I took my foot out of the Wiccan shoes that didn’t fit and into my own clothes, that fit me perfectly.

I know this post is long and about nothing interesting, but I wanted to share with you how it took me a long time to find my home and my place within the Pagan world.  I have many Pagan friends, Wiccan’s, Druid’s, Heathen’s, Buddhist’s.  I just felt like sharing part of my story on how I found Heathenry and how I knew it was for me.  As the saying goes:

“If you don’t feel passionate about your path, maybe it isn’t your path to walk”.

Maybe it is time that I share more of my home with you all.  Maybe this post will give you some food for thought.

Anyway, until next time my Crazies, don’t let the straight jacket get too tight.

 

An Awakening of the Soul

With Walpurgis Night (Beltane) nearly upon us here in the Southern Hemisphere I am wondering how many others are feeling ‘different’.
Not different in a bad way but like there is fire within, like the veil has already began to slip away and we are now walking side by side with the other side.

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I know the Northern parts of the world are about to celebrate Samhain so they would be feeling this energy, or vibration too. I know within myself I have felt an awakening over the last month. My spirituality has taken a shift to a higher level.

 

 

Over the years I had let myself become stuck in society, I let bad relationships control and direct where my life went. I had forgotten who I was and what I was. I had also become a mother which I had forced myself to push my true self inside so deep that I thought I had lost me forever.

This last year has given me the strength and determination to bring myself back to the surface and well this new me is fucking awesome. I have never felt so alive before. I am learning to let go of the past that was holding me back, no not back, down.

spiritual-awakening-featured-01I had let myself become the victim of being the survivor. Pretended to be Superwoman when what I should have been is me.  Where is all of this new fire coming from? I have known for a long time but have, for no known reason, kept it hidden.

I moved house in February and that is when it all started, well it started Dec, but the fire started in February. It was an unusual heatwave right at the time I was moving (see… fire) and I started seeing strange things, yes, yes, I know now they were signs, and pretty damn obvious ones too, that I just kept blowing them off as other signs.

I have always been Thor’s girl, not in the God-spouse sense, more like he was always there when I needed him (or thought I needed him), like a big brother would be. Very platonic relationship, although he did ‘claim’ me a few times when I had attempted to wander to another deity.

Maybe that is why I had not considered another male trying to reach out to me.  Thor would have surely ‘claimed’ me again if that was the case right, right?

Skadi_by_Anna_NovikovaMaybe it was Skadi, I was yearning for the cold so badly, because there was so much fire in my life. Orange had become a favourite colour along side my ever trusty green. So I began researching her.

Elen of the Ways come through in my research after a dream of an Antlered Goddess within the forest. Deers and Stags were everywhere in my otherworldly life. There was a shift coming, you could feel it, my witchy friends had begun feeling it emanating from me for a while too.

Whilst on holiday (yes I will get to Day 2 soon I promise), I had a change cone over me so obvious, so strongly, so effortlessly, so… divinely… that I knew I needed to embrace what ever was coming. To just let it flow, from me and for me to just let myself flow with it. What ever it was…

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Supermoon In Aries

I found myself grounding a lot with

nature and water… so much water, I couldn’t get enough water it was ridiculous, not just physically but I needed to keep hydrated as I felt myself burning alive other wise. See… Fire… so much fire.

I had a few otherworldly experiences whilst away that I enjoyed and will keep to myself but I will share the most awakening experience, almost like a life epiphany experience.  I was at the beach on the way back home from our trip, it was my cousin, myself and our kids.  I was not going into the water, until I was sitting there and I felt a pull… I had to go and stand in the water… but I needed to bury my feet in the sand too… See water and grounding, always grounding.
I stood there, the waves (only small) washing back and forth around my legs… there was no more pull towards the ocean… only a desperate need for stillness… How the Hel are you meant to stand still in the waves? But I did, I was so still, so steadfast, I could see the water coming and going in slow motion, I could feel every single grain of sand surround my legs then whittle away as the waves returned to the deep once more. I could smell the salt in kawanabeachmy nose, I could feel the sticky salt air in my pores, I could feel the earth slowly rotating… What… Yes… the earth, Jord, Gaia, Mother… I could feel her, I was her, she was me.

I know it sounds absurd to those that are not spiritually connected to nature. But it happened, and it happened to me. It made me realise how small I am in the universe, yet how gigantically huge I am in the scheme of life. It was a true awakening, I fell in love all over again to my spirituality, to me, to life.

Then when I got home and relaxed, I could still feel the fire within, like a volcano, with its lava bubbling, just waiting to explode. Well the volcano did erupt. It erupted with such gusto that it felt like I have been reborn.

I was recouping after a great weekend catchup with one of my best friends, scrawling through Facebook when I came across a photo of a candle. (I am writing this on my mobile so will add links and photos later). It was a candle with an image of Freyr, standing in a forest with antlers on his head. There it was, there HE was, it was like a slap across the face… or arse in my case 😉 … This last 9 months has been about Freyr trying to connect, and with Thor’s permission obviously.

I needed to become a woman again, I needed to earn the fire within, I needed to earn the desire for life. Well I have, I have done the hard yards, and I have reached he pinnacle of my spiritual puberty to become the woman I am looking forward to releasing.

img_6297This does not mean I am letting go of my big brother, no, this just means my big brother has let go of my hand. He has shared my last teen dance with me and is now handing me over to the next stage of my spirituality. To experience life with new eyes and a new dedication to all that is.

This brings me back to the start of this post about the energy around us at the moment. There is a shift in the spiritual plane, an energy shift that has occurred. Is it just me or is it all?  Are you feeling the fire or are you feeling another vibration all together? Is it just this time of year or is there a shift happening, a stirring, a change, an otherworldly primal shift in the universe itself!

 

Let me know my fabulous crazies… or is it just me, going… well crazy?

Update: Spelling errors fixed.

Ingwaz.us was the supplier of the candle I saw:

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