Do you write the absolute truth or do you share some watered down censored version of the truth? Is it due to your own self-consciousness or is it because you know who is in the audience?
I have started many blogs in the past, anonymous ones and ones were I knew the audience. Where do you find a balance? I miss writing anonymously, it felt freeing but then I also hated the anonymity of it. Not being able to have conversations about what you post, write. Not being able to share feelings that get brought up in some real raw writing.
I have secrets that just can’t be released and secrets I want to tell but should consider my audience before doing so. I hate doing it to myself. Sometimes it is that hesitation, that self censorship that buts me in funks of not writing.
I see it in others writings too, the hesitation, the control. That sentence that is missing words, emotions and thoughts. Is it intentional or subconscious? Why is it so hard to tell some secrets that you know will help heal you? Because in doing so you know it could potentially harm someone close to you. Well that is my reasoning anyway. I have close friends and acquaintances that know more about me than most of my family. On the other hand I have family that has spent years hiding secrets that has caused more harm than good.
Maybe it is time for me to start another anonymous blog, for myself, not for you. Somewhere I can be completely uncensored but I will be anonymous to those that do not know my story. Many writers use a nom deplume so why should this be any different?
Your tribe is not a group of people just like you, it is a group of people that compliment each other, a group of people whose strengths & weaknesses differ so much from each other, that together, you become one.
With Walpurgis Night (Beltane) nearly upon us here in the Southern Hemisphere I am wondering how many others are feeling ‘different’.
Not different in a bad way but like there is fire within, like the veil has already began to slip away and we are now walking side by side with the other side.
I know the Northern parts of the world are about to celebrate Samhain so they would be feeling this energy, or vibration too. I know within myself I have felt an awakening over the last month. My spirituality has taken a shift to a higher level.
Over the years I had let myself become stuck in society, I let bad relationships control and direct where my life went. I had forgotten who I was and what I was. I had also become a mother which I had forced myself to push my true self inside so deep that I thought I had lost me forever.
This last year has given me the strength and determination to bring myself back to the surface and well this new me is fucking awesome. I have never felt so alive before. I am learning to let go of the past that was holding me back, no not back, down.
I had let myself become the victim of being the survivor. Pretended to be Superwoman when what I should have been is me. Where is all of this new fire coming from? I have known for a long time but have, for no known reason, kept it hidden.
I moved house in February and that is when it all started, well it started Dec, but the fire started in February. It was an unusual heatwave right at the time I was moving (see… fire) and I started seeing strange things, yes, yes, I know now they were signs, and pretty damn obvious ones too, that I just kept blowing them off as other signs.
I have always been Thor’s girl, not in the God-spouse sense, more like he was always there when I needed him (or thought I needed him), like a big brother would be. Very platonic relationship, although he did ‘claim’ me a few times when I had attempted to wander to another deity.
Maybe that is why I had not considered another male trying to reach out to me. Thor would have surely ‘claimed’ me again if that was the case right, right?
Maybe it was Skadi, I was yearning for the cold so badly, because there was so much fire in my life. Orange had become a favourite colour along side my ever trusty green. So I began researching her.
Elen of the Ways come through in my research after a dream of an Antlered Goddess within the forest. Deers and Stags were everywhere in my otherworldly life. There was a shift coming, you could feel it, my witchy friends had begun feeling it emanating from me for a while too.
Whilst on holiday (yes I will get to Day 2 soon I promise), I had a change cone over me so obvious, so strongly, so effortlessly, so… divinely… that I knew I needed to embrace what ever was coming. To just let it flow, from me and for me to just let myself flow with it. What ever it was…
I found myself grounding a lot with
nature and water… so much water, I couldn’t get enough water it was ridiculous, not just physically but I needed to keep hydrated as I felt myself burning alive other wise. See… Fire… so much fire.
I had a few otherworldly experiences whilst away that I enjoyed and will keep to myself but I will share the most awakening experience, almost like a life epiphany experience. I was at the beach on the way back home from our trip, it was my cousin, myself and our kids. I was not going into the water, until I was sitting there and I felt a pull… I had to go and stand in the water… but I needed to bury my feet in the sand too… See water and grounding, always grounding.
I stood there, the waves (only small) washing back and forth around my legs… there was no more pull towards the ocean… only a desperate need for stillness… How the Hel are you meant to stand still in the waves? But I did, I was so still, so steadfast, I could see the water coming and going in slow motion, I could feel every single grain of sand surround my legs then whittle away as the waves returned to the deep once more. I could smell the salt in my nose, I could feel the sticky salt air in my pores, I could feel the earth slowly rotating… What… Yes… the earth, Jord, Gaia, Mother… I could feel her, I was her, she was me.
I know it sounds absurd to those that are not spiritually connected to nature. But it happened, and it happened to me. It made me realise how small I am in the universe, yet how gigantically huge I am in the scheme of life. It was a true awakening, I fell in love all over again to my spirituality, to me, to life.
Then when I got home and relaxed, I could still feel the fire within, like a volcano, with its lava bubbling, just waiting to explode. Well the volcano did erupt. It erupted with such gusto that it felt like I have been reborn.
I was recouping after a great weekend catchup with one of my best friends, scrawling through Facebook when I came across a photo of a candle. (I am writing this on my mobile so will add links and photos later). It was a candle with an image of Freyr, standing in a forest with antlers on his head. There it was, there HE was, it was like a slap across the face… or arse in my case 😉 … This last 9 months has been about Freyr trying to connect, and with Thor’s permission obviously.
I needed to become a woman again, I needed to earn the fire within, I needed to earn the desire for life. Well I have, I have done the hard yards, and I have reached he pinnacle of my spiritual puberty to become the woman I am looking forward to releasing.
This does not mean I am letting go of my big brother, no, this just means my big brother has let go of my hand. He has shared my last teen dance with me and is now handing me over to the next stage of my spirituality. To experience life with new eyes and a new dedication to all that is.
This brings me back to the start of this post about the energy around us at the moment. There is a shift in the spiritual plane, an energy shift that has occurred. Is it just me or is it all? Are you feeling the fire or are you feeling another vibration all together? Is it just this time of year or is there a shift happening, a stirring, a change, an otherworldly primal shift in the universe itself!
Let me know my fabulous crazies… or is it just me, going… well crazy?